Crash and Burn
by Defying Gravity
Summary: [rated for implied slash] Alai sits by Ender's side before Ender must leave. "And maybe, just maybe, I need Ender, a hell of a lot more than Ender needs me." [Songfic]


A/N: I guess I should start with an apology after hearing that Orson Scott Card is, indeed, homophobic. Oops. My bad, Mr. Card. Other than, I'm still gonna go on with this… Alai/Ender (implied) slash. It's just basic angst, other than that, and Alai's POV. **All standard disclaimers apply.** (Ender's Game/Shadow characters to OSC, Crash and Burn to Savage Garden.) And away we go…  
  
**Crash and Burn  
  
**

"When you feel all alone/And the world has turned it's back on you/Give me a moment please to tame your wild, wild heart"  
  
The Buggers are gone. The danger of the Formics destroying the planet Earth obliterated. All in a single second. All because of one boy: Andrew "Ender" Wiggins. And it is at his very bedside that I sit and stare at him. Hoping he'll wake up, but, then again, hoping he'll never wake up again. The knowledge of his genocide would crush his soul. Or what was left of it after the corruption of Battle School.   
  
All humanity would embrace him for his victory. But, inside he would die, just a little more, with every compliment, with every and anything said out of good will. He would want them to scorn him. He would want their cries of hatred.  
  
Which is why I shouldn't even be here. Watching him sleep in blissful unconsciousness._  
  
"I know you feel like the walls are closing in on you/It's hard to find relief and people can be so cold/When darkness is upon your door and you feel like you can't take anymore…"  
  
_Way back when in Salamander Army, way back to the days of the launchies when Ender Wiggins was a tiny nobody… the memories keep coming back. His smile, rare yet pure; his concentration upon entering the Battle Room, against Bonzo Madrid's wishes; his silent understanding as his brain digests information faster than any of us can even comprehend; his raw compassion as he intently stares at the vids of the Buggers in the library. All pure Ender._  
  
_Because that's what he is: pure. Even as he lies in a self-imposed unconsciousness, shielding himself away from the only world he's known for God knows how long, he can't be described as anything else. Black curls limply framing his ash-pale face, eyelids twitching slightly as hidden pupils scan for something in his dream world. The new world he doesn't seem to want to leave.   
  
A world I can't follow him to.  
_  
  
"Let me be the one you call/If you jump I'll break your fall/Lift you up and fly away with you into the night/If you need to fall apart/I can mend a broken heart"  
  
_What are you dreaming of Ender? Of the Formics? Of the Earth? Of… no. Not of your friends. And never of me. I could whisper "peace" unto you until my throat is raw, until my voice goes hoarse, until there is no voice left but the mouthing of the words falling from chapped lips, if only to soothe your conscience. To heal your soul. To mend that broken heart that lies within. _Salaam_, Ender. _Salaam_. Please, wake up… Don't leave me here waiting. Not knowing the future.   
  
Because you _are_ the future, Ender. The millenia within your eyes, pitted against your ironically young face -- you don't even know it yet. As soldiers, we were brothers. But we're soldiers no longer. And I'm only human.  
  
_  
"If you need to crash then crash and burn/You're not alone."  
  
_I'm just human, with my complex emotions, with my brain only able to be filled to a certain capacity, with a heart so fragile one word that falls from your lips can send it soaring or shattering. That's why just looking at you is all I can do. Always look and never touch. I don't want to leave your side. And I don't want you to leave me. But when you're falling so fast, spiraling out of control, I'm not so sure I can always be there to catch you anymore.   
  
The battle is over. That I know. So then why do I feel like my torment has only just begun? I don't want to be alone. If both of us are to fall… is it possible we can catch each other anyway?  
  
_  
"When you feel all alone/And a loyal friend is hard to find/You're caught in a one way street/With the monsters in your head"_

My father always said love worked in mysterious ways. It didn't matter where it existed, in friendships or romantic relations, as long as it was there, it worked its magic in wondrous ways. Look what's love done for me, Ender. It's got me crying, just like Petra, over your sleeping face. Sleep for a little longer, so I may sob just a little more. All this pain that's welled up inside as I try to imagine the battle you're encountering in your dreams, it's all spilling out. Pain from months long past. A pain that's become all too familiar. The painful burden of love.  
  
…is that what this is? Love? Maybe I've just never understood it at all.  
  
Maybe what this is, is just hopeless infatuation. Hero-worship.  
  
_  
  
"When hopes and dreams are far away and/You feel like you can't face the day"  
  
_No. I refuse to believe it is.  
  
I knew you before I knew you. Not as the tiny kid who pissed off Bonzo Madrid, or the singled-out brat.   
  
This is real.   
  
And I'd promised myself I'd be strong for you. All of humanity's hopes rested on you, and no one could remove that burden, no matter how much we wanted to try. Not me, not Petra, not Shen or Dink, not even tiny Bean. I made myself a lot of promises about you, Ender. How we were going to destroy the Buggers together. How we were going to go to Command school together. How we would terrorize Petra and Dink into just kissing each other and getting it over with. Together. _Together_. But now… I can't even be strong enough for myself.   
  
I'm still so wound up on you, I can't think of anything else. You are my obsession. Ender, even if you're asleep and can't hear my sobs or my sniffles, or feel the tears that have fallen unceremoniously onto your pale, pale skin, surely somewhere deep down you can feel these exact emotions as I relay them.  
  
Because I'm afraid you'll go away and forget. Forget that look I would get in my eyes whenever you spoke to me. Forget the telltale blush that snaked up the first time I dropped the word _Salaam_ into your ears and left a chaste kiss on your cheek. Forget that we stood by each other. That we fought side-by-side. That we…were friends. That, even if you couldn't quite place it, I loved you.  
  
_  
  
"Let me be the one you call/If you jump I'll break your fall/Lift you up and fly away with you into the night/If you need to fall apart/I can mend a broken heart/If you need to crash then crash and burn/You're not alone"  
  
_I still do.   
  
But Dimak says they're going to send you away. Imagine that. You'll never have to return to Earth. To the family you never shed a tear over in front of anyone. To whatever friends you left behind. Did any of their hearts break when you were sent up to Battle School? Is there a trail of broken hearts you leave behind everyplace you've touched? Where will you go now? What love will you find there? What will you…forget…?  
  
It's more than I can take. I feel myself breaking inside. This isn't natural. This isn't normal. …this must be what they call heartbreak.  
  
_  
"Because there has always been heartache and pain/And when it's over you'll breathe again/You'll breathe again"  
  
_We're all so young, yet know so much. Yet you taught me even more. Being with you makes me whole. Like all my life I'd been wandering around with only half of me really living. You woke up the other half, Ender. You gave life…_meaning_. After all these years.  
  
Yet the meaning you gave it, has sent you flying into a comatose state. Or… has it?   
  
"Ender?" He stirs in his sleep fitfully, eyebrows creasing, mouth dropping open in a silent scream; pain. Somewhere in my heart, twists an identical pain.   
  
_  
"When you feel all alone/And the world has turned its back on you/Give me a moment please/To tame your wild, wild heart"  
  
_His eyes — your eyes — blearily blink open, wet slits sending tears cascading down ash-pale skin. Comprehension renders in now-widened eyes. A soft, hoarse voice, yet still that of a child, pierces the silence of the room, albeit my ragged breathing. "…Alai?"  
  
And my world comes spiraling into a complete halt, time freezes, the world revolves around this very moment. My name falling from his lips? Too much. I feel more tears burning at the edges of my eyes. Nothing feels stable anymore. Taking his tiny hand in mine, I nod. "Yeah."  
  
He nods gently back, eyes dropping shut again. A small wordless whisper floats across his lips and he is back into the darkness once again, fingers twined with mine that slide away slowly as the sleep washes over him and takes him away.  
  
_  
"Let me be the one you call/If you jump I'll break your fall/Lift you up and fly away with you into the night/If you need to fall apart/I can mend a broken heart"  
  
_…and so you sleep again. Riding on the wind's back straight into a return trip of that Dream World I can never seem to follow you to. Why? I'll never know.  
  
But I don't bother to learn the answer, either, Ender. Instead, I stand and look down at you one last time. The others will be here soon. It's almost too much to watch your fingers slip from mine, like liquid, like water… and the moment is gone. It's passed. It's like after a long run of good times with friends, and all of a sudden it disappears. Times like those, I'd look around and say "Hey, where've the good times gone?" ...and no one answers.  
  
It's far from a lie, Ender: you're going to leave me. So, sleep. And I'll leave. So I don't have to watch you go.  
  
This is the way it has to be. This completion I've finally found that resides within you, that makes me whole again… it has to be lost. This friendship we've formed needs to be reduced to nothing. These tears…they will disappear.   
  
And even I don't believe myself as I step out the door, hearing it close behind me and the soft thudding sound it makes as I collapse back onto it. The emotions flood my veins to equal the salty rivers flooding my face. This isn't fair.  
  
Maybe it never was. Realization hits.   
_  
  
"If you need to crash then crash and burn"  
  
_Because maybe… just maybe… I need Ender, a hell of a lot more than Ender needs me.  
  
_  
  
You're not alone  
  
**-end-**_

A/N: : Now I feel depressed… That was actually a pretty crappy piece of writing. I know: OOC-ness. And even though it is fan fiction… it still kinda sucked. Anyways, I'm still going to post this. This is me spreading the Alai-love. Pathetic.   
  
ANYWAYS, please review (constructive criticism would be lovely). Thanks for reading. Cheers.


End file.
